LoveMe

As my buddies know, I’ve been struggling with myself to get back on track for some time now.  I am sick of myself and feel like such a failure that I am not finding the strength inside me to do something about this addiction that makes me unhappy.  When I look back over the years of being heavy, I realize I haven’t lived at all.  This weight keeps me from enjoying life the way it is meant to be enjoyed.  I envy those who are overweight who still live life to the fullest and don’t allow it to hold them back.  Unfortunately, this is not me and I will not enjoy my life again until I lose this weight.  My self-esteem carrying this weight around is about as low as it gets and it doesn’t feel good at all.  That’s why I need to change.  I want to be happy and fun again.  I want to go to the beach with my neice & nephews, I want to go to an amusement park and ride all the rides without being squeezed into the seat and the lap bar so tight on my thighs, I want to swim in my boyfriend’s pool during the daylight and I want to start allowing myself to be photographed again.  I literally get myself all anxious when someone wants to take my picture.  Therefore, years of my life has passed without any photographic memories.  This makes me so sad!  I apologize to Khrys, Teresa & Sharona for my shutting down and not returning here to deal with myself.  Thank you so much for trying to get me back after months of nothing from me!  I know I can do this and know I must do this to be truly happy again.  Here’s hoping that today is the day I change and start moving forward toward my ultimate goal of loving myself again.  It’s been too long!

This is a motivational blog to myself so don’t feel any obligation to read!

 Ok so it’s been over 2 weeks of me really really struggling with myself to get back on course.  Today, Fat Tuesday of all days, I woke up with some motivation for a change.  I talked to myself my entire 45 minute ride to work and said it is one day.  You are worth one day!  Stick to your plan today!  Just one day!  It’s only 9:00 AM but I survived breakfast.  I had my frosted mini wheats and FF milk.  I am happily full and am now drinking water.  I brought soup, a couple FF crackers and a wedge of laughing cow cheese for lunch.  I will not allow my thoughts to stray from this lunch plan!  I got rid of every other tempting thing I had in my office so that I can’t look for it.  I can’t believe how much food has control over my thoughts.  I just wish I could be normal.  The thing that just kills me even more is the fact that I am pretty much obsessive compulsive about every other aspect of my life!  I’m financially responsible and would have anxiety if I thought I was not saving enough or spending too much and God forbid I ever pay something past it’s due date and get a bad nick on my credit, I’d prolly kill myself, my house is immaculate and I can’t image it not being clean if someone would do a surprise pop in, I’m to work every single day 1/2 early so that I am NEVER late, I rarely drive over the speed limit because I’d be so ashamed if I got stopped and got a ticket, I wake up every day and shower, put make up on, shave my leg/armpits and dress professionally for work.  Why can’t I become obsessive about eating the right foods instead of eating the wrong ones!  It should work both ways!  This is the one thing in my life that I cannot control and it is eating me up!  I NEED to be thinner to feel good about me.  I hate looking in the mirror right now.  I know I am capable of being so much more and I can’t find the motivation inside me to get moving on it!  That makes me more unhappy which causes me to stray to bad food thoughts.   This has to stop!  Today!

I did wake up with more motivation than I’ve had in weeks so I’m going to do my best to run with it.  There is nothing that should tempt me to stray today.  I do not have any plans tonight and am able to go right home and work out so that is what I will do.

I’d love to go back to Weight Watchers to truly be accountable for my actions but financially it is not the best time for me right now.  I sell homes for a living so you can imagine how “poor” I am right now.  So since I can’t do that, I have to keep trying to do it on my own.  I even tried to post an ad for a weight loss buddy on craigslist but nothing!  GRRR  I really wish I could find someone close by that really really wanted to lose weight.  I think it makes it so much better when you have someone right there to motivate you when you can’t motivate yourself and vice versa!

I’m signing off in a positive way by saying I CAN DO THIS!

I’m done making excuses!  For two weeks now, I’ve had no motivation to work toward my ultimate weight loss goal but this morning I woke up with new motivation.  I need to especially thank Sharona, Khrys and Rita for constantly reaching out to bring me back!  Their caring is much of the reason why I haven’t given up on myself.  I want to lose at least 20 pounds by the summer time so that I can enjoy pool parties at my boyfriend’s home, enjoy my sister’s beach house with my niece and nephews and to feel good when I look in the mirror.  It’s been too long!  This weight ruins my happiness and life is too short to constantly be unhappy.  I know I am the only one who can fix this.  I’ve done it before without a site like this.  Why can’t I get it together with the great support of my 3 best buddies?  Doesn’t make sense! 

I wish I could find someone locally who would work out with me.  It is always so much easier when you have someone in person to be accountable to.  Especially if they are losing and you are not!   Since I don’t have that, I’m just gonna grab onto my buddies here and “compete” with them : ) 

If there is anyone out there feeling a lack of support, let me know and I’ll be the buddy you need to keep you accountable just like my 3 bestest buddies are to me!  Love you guys!!

My close buddies know that I have been MIA for a few days and I’m here to fess up why.  My father is 66 years old and retired.  He is overweight, diabetic, has high blood pressure. He almost killed himself in 2005 by turning off the electric, heat & telephone to his home in the middle of winter only to have a blood clot in his leg cause him to fall ill and call out of work sick.  He worked as a foreman for the gas company for 47 years when this happened.  He was 63 at the time.  His work called me about his absence stating they had gone to his home and his car was there but he would not answer the door (2 weeks ago was the last they had seem him).  He had also pretty much blocked me and my 2 sisters out of his life by not answering our phone calls, never replying to mail we sent him and changing the locks on his door so we had no way to get in to see him.  He was in a severe depression over my mother leaving him after 37 years of marriage.  Anyway, after the call from his work, I leave my work and go to the police department and ask if they will break into the house as I think he is in there.  They come and broke in only to find him sitting in his living room almost dead because all the water pipes in his home burst and the little propane heater he had next to him had burnt out leaving it freezing in there, he looked like a homeless man in 3 layers of clothing and a blanket around him.  The only skin on his body exposed was his nose and ankles.  His cell phone was in his car so he couldn’t call for help as he couldn’t get up.  He could barely talk and was severely dehydrated.  He had lost all control of his bodily functions.  He hadn’t taken his blood pressure or diabetes medication in those 2 weeks, his kidneys were failing.  As a result of the freezing temperatures and wet carpeting, he wound up losing both of his legs up to the knee to frostbite!  He also had frostbite on his nose but luckily that healed.  He was in the hospital for 8 months.  He got out of the hospital and went to live with his sister (she was a retired nurse and could take care of his needs).  We sold his 2 homes, 5 cars, boat, travel trailer etc.  He was at my aunt’s in a severe depressed state for about 1 year 2 months.  He didn’t talk, he wouldn’t make an effort to use his prosthetics, he wouldn’t even get up to pee (use a little urinal jar UGH).  He didn’t care about anything at all.  He blankly stared at the walls.  You try to visit and cheer him up and nothing.  Then one day, out of nowhere, he started talking, got right up and walked on his prosthetics and was as back to normal as he is.  He decided he didn’t want to live with his sister anymore and decided to buy property in TN and build a log cabin.  Then he decided he wanted to drive again.  I had taken his 1989 Blazer (that he babied and was like new) so he wanted it back which was fine.  Then he bought a new BMW.  Then while in TN starting his home, he bought a Jeep to go off-road in.  He bought a travel trailer to live in to supervise the construction.  Then out of nowhere he tells us he bought another home in KY.  Then he bought a 1989 corvette (he said for me to have) that is a project car for him.  I had a corvette but sold it to buy my home.  He also bought another boat, tons of furnishings for the houses etc.  So he blew through $330,000 cash in less than a year.  My sisters and I were beyond ourselves with this behavior.  Then the diagnoses of bi-polar came which we really didn’t know much about but have since learned alot.  However, for about 2 years now, other than the spending, he has been a functioning human being.

That is until about January 15th of this year!  My sisters and I try to keep contact with him about once at week to make sure he’s ok.  It’s so hard when you are 12 hours away from each other.  I had spoke to him on January 9th.  The next week I asked my sisters if they had heard from him and they hadn’t been able to reach him either.  We had 2 full weeks of trying to call him and it would go right to voicemail on his phone.  We decided it was time to call the police.  The police go to the home and knock - no answer.  His blazer is in the driveway.  They call us back and tell us they got a locksmith and went in the house and there is no sign of him but his coat and keys were in the house.  Then we call his TN neighbor to ask if he has seem him.  He went to the trailer looked in the windows and said no sign of him at all and his BMW and Jeep were in the driveway.  He said he hadn’t seen him in over a month at that house.  We call the KY police back and they make an official missing person report.  My sister then called his cell phone company and they told him the last call from his cell phone was on January 15th and gave us the number.  We called the number and it was a Poppa Johns.  Then we called his bank and the bank said there was no activity on his account since December 8th.  My dad usually takes a chunk of money out for the month and lives on that so being over 1 month with no withdraw in January was highly unusual. So we began to panic.  The police called for records at all hospitals, ambulance records, shelters etc.  Nothing.  Being a double amputee, he is extremely vulnerable to would-be robbers.  The fact his car hadn’t moved out of the driveway for over 3 weeks, he didn’t order any food for delivery since January 15th and he didn’t call 911, we really really were scared something happened to him.  The police called last Thursday and asked if any of the family could come meet them at my dad’s house as they wanted to do a black light test to check for blood etc.  So me and my sister drove 12 hours (10 PM to 10:00 AM the next day).  It was a horrible drive and all we could do is go over scenario after scenario as to what happened to him.  Two officers and me and my sister go to his home but were waiting for a locksmith to get us in.  There is a park across from his home so we all were searching in the park for signs of him to no avail.  We walked around his home and his neighborhood.  The word was out around there that he was missing and all different people were coming out talking with what they recall etc.  I’m amazed at how many conflicting stories you get because people’s recollection of time is all messed up.  As the officers and my sister and I were standing on my dad’s lawn a van pulled up asking if we found him.  The officer said not yet and the people proceeded to say they saw an ambulance at that residence.  The officer thought they were crazy as he had already checked the records but after they left, he called the department and said please recheck the records again.  The ambulance company called him back and said they have no record of responding to this address.  Let alone, why wasn’t it on his cell phone records if he called 911.  But, the ambulance company said on January 17th they were extremely backlogged with calls and when that happens they refer it out of the county.  They gave him the number, he called and sure enough an ambulance from 45 minutes away came and took him to the hospital on the 17th of Jan.  I think you could hear the sigh of relief that came over all of us that day!  He was at least alive!  They gave him the hospital and we called.  They told us he was discharged to a nursing home the day before.  We call the nursing home and sure enough he is there!  He is alive but in serious condition because for some reason (I assume something to do with the bi-polar), he decided he didn’t need to take his blood pressure, diabetes, etc medications and quit taking them back in October!  He was getting a clot forming in an artery and that is what caused the chest pain.  The problem is, he is on a severe down in his bi-polar causing him to not care about a darn thing.  He is back to not talking, claiming he CAN’T walk, etc.  It’s like rewinding back to 2005 when it happened the first time.  He is extremely unkempt looking and has a full beard and mustache.  He has ALWAYS been clean shaven!  I am so heartbroken to have to deal with this all over again.  My oldest sister thinks we need to have him deemed incompetant but it breaks my heart to do that as I know when he does take his medications, he is generally fine.  But on the other hand, I just can’t go through this emotional stress again!  My heart can’t take it!!  And I wonder why I am overweight!!

So this trip to KY has thrown my entire diet off whack.  Not only did we eat poorly at rest areas for 24 hours of driving in 3 days, since getting home on Sunday, I can’t get back to my good routine!  I’m trying not to upset myself over it as I already have so much worrying on my plate but I don’t want to go back to my old ways!  I’m really struggling. 

To all my buddies who wondered where I was, especially Khrys and Sharona, thank you for being there for me!  I know this is just a setback and eventually I will overcome it but right now I’m struggling with it!  I may not weigh in again this week as I don’t want to upset myself anymore but I will continue to check in because one of these days it will click back in my head to try harder!

I know everyone has problems and I don’t mean to bring everyone down, but at least you know where I’m coming from right now!

Any words of encouragement will mean the world to me!  Thanks buddies!

I’ve looked high, low, left, right, back and front and can’t seem to find it anywhere!  Why does this overwhelming feeling of failure come over me without it?  Is it right in front of me but I am too blind to see it?  Does it hide to see if I will fight harder to find it?  What am I talking about you ask?  PATIENCE!!  I don’t seem to have much.  I’ve religiously stuck to working out and eating light (although I have slacked off keeping 100% track of everything but still feel I’m within my points range) and this weight is coming off at a snails pace!  Why can’t it at least give me an inch to keep me motivated and positive!  I have earned at least that much, darn it!   I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back every other day!  I’m not giving up but just wish patience would find it’s way back home to momma!  I miss her and really could use her right now!! : )

Wow as if losing 4 pounds on my weigh in Sunday wasn’t enough!  I also  was able to resist Super Bowl party temptation!  I even made a stromboli that looked really scrumptous and didn’t even taste it before serving it.  I did lick my fingers though hehe.   And then…….I won $150 on the football block pool.  Ummmm I mean won 150 points (just in case the Feds are reading this).  I almost won an addtional 400 points but darn Pittsburgh had to go and score and throw my numbers off!  It was such an exciting game!  I really enjoyed watching it!  I wasn’t as impressed with the commercials though!  Although I did like the monster.com one with the guy with the plush office with the moose head on the wall.  Then it pans to the room on the other side and there’s the guy trying to work at his desk with the rest of the moose standing there.  LOL too funny!  What was your favorite commercial? 

Well tomorrow is the big game and I am going to a party at my boyfriend’s home.  Of course, whenever his family gets together it’s a big food fest because everyone makes something and brings it.  His one cousin always brings the most scrumptous desserts.  Let alone, we all know how easy it is to mindlessly eat while we have our attentions elsewhere.  Well, I am a bit worried that I will stray more than I really want to.  I am struggling with myself over this because this week I have done great and tomorrow is my weigh in.  I cheated and got on the scale today and it was down 3 pounds!  Yippppeee!  So, of course, I don’t want to blow it!  I’m finally rolling down hill and I want to pick up speed not come to a screeching hault!  So I’ve made a plan.  I am going to bring my own snack.  I will eat a lean cuisine type meal for dinner and then have either a 100 calorie pack, slim bear ice cream bar or low fat chips with light sour cream dip.  I think I should stay away from the chips because I can see me overindulging without realizing it.  I am also going to get my butt up early and do my workout in the morning before I go to work!  Gosh I hope I can motivate myself to get moving early enough to get it in.  I know if I don’t do it before work, I won’t do it at all.  I’ve only missed working out once in 3 full weeks and I can’t stop now.  Today at work, I may even search for some low fat recipes and make something if I think it’s something I will keep myself under control with.  I went country line dancing last night for the first time in over a year and I’m telling you what a workout!  I really need to do that more often!  Does anyone have any yummy, light super bowl recipes they will be making for tomorrow?  Good luck to anyone else going to a party and trying to fight themselves to do the right thing!  We can do this!

So I went in thinking how great I was planning to do and although I still feel like I ate more than I normally would, I certainly didn’t pig out, I drank water only and I did not even take a bite of any type of dessert.  I did not have that “stuffed” feeling when I left and anything I put on my plate I just put a tiny bit.  I’m not sure how bad sushi is for you but I had never tried it and they had it there so I wanted to try it.  I had the spicy chicken and tuna roll - very very yummy!  I’m proud of myself for even trying it!  I had wasabi (which is probably not good for you) but sheesh how much could I have had.  That stuff is hooooot!  Like I said, I know I probably ate more calories than I normally do for lunch but I’ll have a very small dinner and make sure I work out and I think I’ll be fine.  Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone!

Ok so in two and a half weeks I’ve been able to control my food environment by not stepping outside of the structure I have set up for myself.  That is, until today!  I’m working today (normally off on Thursdays).  I work alone all day long every day except for possible buyers and those who live here in the community I manage.  I’ve become very friendly with the girl from the Bank who does the loans for the house sales and she is coming here today to do a refinance for one of my residents.  She always takes me out to lunch on the Bank when she is here.  She is suggesting the chinese buffet!  Am I insane?  Well I look at it this way, this journey I am on is not a quick fix.  It is for a lifetime and I know in my future there will be other days similar to this in which I will need to do my best to make the best choice possible and then just jump right back on my structured path at the next meal.  This buffet has american dishes also so I know between some soup and the salad bar, I can find better choices.  However, I know I will also have 1 fried wonton as these are my favorite.  This way I won’t feel like I have deprived myself totally.  I have my fingers crossed that I won’t just dive in and not think about the calories I am taking in.  I know I will do my workout tonight when I get home and I only had an orange for breakfast in anticipation of this lunch.  I have been drinking alot of water so that my body feels full when I get there.  Yesterday I had a great food and exercise day and I was a bad girl and got on the scale (weigh in not til Sunday) and I was down to 181.  I don’t want to blow that progress!  Wish me luck!

Ok this has nothing to do with weightloss but I need to get it off my chest. 

Let me preface this rant with something horrible that happened to me in August, 2008.  I was going to visit my mother in New Hampshire but my regular dog sitter was not available.  I planned to cancel my visit when a very good girlfriend of mine (animal lover of all animal lovers) insisted I let her watch my dog, Portia,  so I could go see my mom.  That meant so much to me as I had asked my own sisters and that was too much trouble for them to do for me.  Portia, a yorkshire terrier, 5.5 lbs, 15 years old, potty trained and really no trouble at all.   My girlfriend lives on a farmette and has 2 dogs a shit zu and a lab/rottie/pit bull mix, 3 cats and 2 horses.  Anyway, I pulled up to her home.  I had opened my door to get out, my dog had jumped onto my lap waiting for me to pick her up.  My girlfriend was walking out to greet me and her lab/rottie/pit mix came around the door to also greet me like she always did.  Her dog noticed my dog is my lap and each of them were sniffing each other like dogs do when they check out another dog.  Neither dog was barking and neither seemed phased by the other.  Well I went to grab my purse off the seat (now this took a second if that).  When I turned back to get out, her dog attacked my dog grabbing her head entirely in her mouth in the most viscious of ways and shook her all over breaking her neck and killing her.  This attack only last 3 seconds and my baby girl was gone forever.  I was more devasted that one could ever image and I felt so helpless that I couldn’t help my little girl.  Although she was old and had a very good long life, she did not deserve to die like this and I kept reliving the experience in my head for almost 2 months after.  My girlfriend was also experiencing the same post traumatic stress that I had been going through and we couldn’t even talk to each other without crying our eyes out.  She tortured herself even more because of the fact that her dog caused such pain to me.  It was the worst thing that I have ever had to live through in my life.  My dog meant everything to me.  Being single with no kids, she was my family.   I have since got a new yorkie, Lexi, who I love soooo much, who has been such a light to my sadness over the loss of Portia and who has nothing but love to give to me.  Getting her as a puppy (I didn’t get Portia until she was 2 years old so I didn’t get to bond with her the way I am with Lexi) has really allowed us to bond so closely and I can’t image life without her and I’ve only had her for 4 months.

This leads me to my venting!  Where I live, it is very rural (for NJ), I only have 3 neighbors but we all have large properties so nobody is really all that close and I’ve loved living here for 5 years now.  The three of us share one long driveway (approx. 800 ft. long) and my house sits back at the very farthest end of the drive.  The homeowner of the house closest to mine recently gave her home to her daughter because the daughter is getting divorced.  Well I’m gonna tell you, this woman is total trash.  No only is the grounds around the house a mess, the garage doors are stuck up because there is so much crap creeping outside,  stuff lying all around the yard but she also moved in 2 horses, domestic geese, peacocks and my biggest issue 2 giant rottweilers that run free all over including back to my house.  These dogs are mean.  They will run after my truck when I drive down the driveway in a viscious way.  So needless to say, I’m scared to death of them getting my little girl after what just happened to me in the summer.  I go over and talk to her about this.  Well, several weeks passed and I hadn’t seen the dogs so I assumed she was keeping them confined somewhere.  She wound up stopping me on the driveway and telling me that she put up an electric fence so I don’t have to worry about them which thrilled me to death!  I am in my yard with my dog all the time.  We feed the birds and I just love being outside I don’t care how cold it is.  My dog loves to chase the squirrels up trees in the yard and she really has a ball “playing” with them.  Anyway, this morning, I almost had my dog down on the ground (she goes out WITHOUT a leash) when her 2 dogs come running at me!  I almost peed myself I was so scare.  Thank God I was able to scooped my ltitle girl up and run back in the house before they got to me.  I have never been so scared in all my life.  I think my fear with that type of behavior is 100% worse than it would be if my other dog hadn’t been killed in such a viscious way.  Now I’m feeling that I cannot let my dog out to enjoy my own yard without putting her on a leash.  If she had seen those dogs coming, she would have ran toward them trying to protect her property and I can only image what would have gone down, let alone I don’t want to!  Anyway,  I just think it is totally unfair that I will now have to take my dog out on a leash in my own yard because of this woman’s disregard for anyone else.  Her dogs should NOT be on my property!!!  She swears up and down that those dogs would NEVER hurt a fly.  Yea well believe me, it sure doesn’t seem like it with the way they come barking and running at you.  The dog that killed my dog never showed a viscious side before that day either.   I am not the type to go complaining to the Township as I am a live and let live type person but this ticks me off.  I sure hope they have their rabies shots. 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!